Santa Isn't Real. Merry F&#k^%g Christmas, Kid.

When I was three, my folks took me to see Santa. They told me he was the real, one-and-only, original Santa (because I asked if he was). When I sat on his lap, I saw a fake beard.

By the time Easter rolled around, all of the childhood lies we tell our kids about the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny (which never really made sense to me why a bunny would run around hiding colored eggs until later on when I realized Christians had stolen most of the pagan festivals for their religious holidays) and so on and so forth had been rationally debunked by my three year-old self. I wasn't that disappointed, do be honest, because the lie hadn't been told often enough. But I did wonder why my parents, who told me to never tell lies and beat me if I did (spanking today is considered beating, right?), would lie to me.

Magical thinking is fine for fantasy and imagination, but it's not so great for a child to be lied to - ESPECIALLY by their parents. Being lied to by your parents undermines parental authority. When is it okay to lie? A child does it most of the time out of fear of punishment for telling the truth. So when will the parents be punished for not telling the truth? The answer is never. When the parents aren't punished for telling lies, it tells the kid that punishment for lying is arbitrary. If some lies are punished and others aren't, it means a kid is more apt to lie in the hope that the telling of the lie won't lead to punishment. Further, the lie is repeated and the older and sadly wiser kid is often told to participate in the lie or get punished for destroying the childhood of others. So when they're told they'll be punished for NOT lying about the existence of non-existent creatures, the message is muddied even more.

But worse than that is the hit to the self esteem of the child. No one likes being the butt of a joke. But being told Santa Claus is real and being misled to believe it is much like a huge practical joke being perpetrated on those least-equipped to discover the truth and who certainly won't be laughing along when they do. That kind of resentment can adversely affect a person in many ways. All for the sake of what? Childhood?

"Sorry, Timmy, the being we told you about and in whom you believed as real for your entire life is, in fact, a myth perpetuated by greedy merchants who want to sell their products so they can make a profit for the year. Welcome to adulthood."

No wonder Lassie kept finding Timmy down a well...

One wonders how many people have trust (and other) issues because their parents - aided and abetted by a mostly willing society - kept them thinking Santa was real for far too long. Now, toss in the rampant consumerism associated with the holiday and you have a recipe for disaster. After all, it's one thing to be told by your parents why you won't be getting the present of your dreams. It's quite another to never know why Santa didn't get you what you wanted. Kids quickly learn that if being good isn't properly rewarded, then there's no real point to it. They grow up to become some pretty obnoxious people.

Another thing to consider, for those of you who are of a religious bend, is to think of the symbology involved here. We have a myriad of God-like symbols out there - most of which involve a white-bearded man. Much like Santa Claus. God separates who's naughty and who's nice. So does Santa Claus. God rewards the good and punishes the bad. And so does the Great Bearded Red One.

The trouble here is that the kid is being told an imaginary creature is real every year. They can even be "seen" (as happened with me) if you go to a mall or department store between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This reenforces the reality of the myth. Television, movies and other media reenforce the myth, bringing in other creatures we're a lot less likely to see in real life like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. They're on television or in songs and such, but they're NOT REAL.

At the same time, we take our kids to Church and tell them the exact same things about God's existence as we do Santa and the Tooth Fairy. We don't see God in real life until we're dead (at least according to your mythology), but like the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, He's portrayed in pictures and even movies (He apparently looks like George Burns or Morgan Freemen today) and like Santa, kids are encouraged to talk to Him.

THEN you come along and tell your kid that Santa (who we can supposedly see in real life) is just a guy dressed up in a fat suit and the Easter Bunny (who we can't ever see in real life) and Tooth Fairy (who we also never see in real life) are lies, too. But after all that you tell your kids they're supposed to keep believing a God whose existence is even harder to prove to them.

And you expect your kids to keep believing in your God?

Let's replay that conversation:

Timmy: "Santa isn't real?
You: "I'm sorry, Timmy, no. He's not."
Timmy: "What about the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy?"
You: "They're not real either. It's all just us parents doing it."
Timmy: "What about God?"
You: "Oh, God's real. I believe it so you have to believe it."
Timmy ( upset and wondering where the closest well to jump in is): "But you said the exact same thing about Santa, and the tooth fairy and they're not real. So God must not be real, either."

Kid logic. This is why Timmy's an atheist today and doesn't send Mother's day or Father's day cards.

Here's a little factoid that may or may not be relevant: Back in the 1800's and early 1900's, Santa Claus was not that big of a deal. The giving of gifts during Christmas (and the need to create a mythological figure to do the delivering of said gifts) wasn't popularized until the late 1800's. (Another minor factoid: The celebration of Christmas itself was banned repeatedly in the United States from time to time in several places for various reasons.) Ever since the early part of the 20th century, when Santa rose as a major mythological figure, memberships in many churches have gone into decline. One could say that the Information Age is most responsible for this decline and they'd probably be right. Yet I can't help but wonder how much of that decline is directly due to lying to children about Santa and other unreal creatures. One can't deny that childhood traumas and resentments carry over into adulthood and if you look at the time-line, it may have had more of an impact than people think it would.

Despite the obvious advantages of kids possibly rejecting invisible sky-friend religions due to the lies told to them about childhood figures, I don't advocate lying to your kids. I understand some reasons to lie - after all, they're young and don't understand some things like finances - but tactful, reasonable honesty is always the best answer. If they ask, tell them the truth. If they're mistaken, correct them. Treat their learning about the world with respect, instead of a wink, a grin and a pleasant lie that will always, eventually, blow up in both of your faces.

Everyone Needs To Come Out Of the Closet

This post is a touch different for me. At least based in the last year's blogs I've done, that is. This post is for everyone out there who keeps their peccadilloes bottled up because they think no one else feels the same.

We, as individuals, have been placed in a position where we feel obligated to uphold social expectations because society tells us to. Society tells us kids are the be-all and end-all of existence. Society tells us we're all either right-wingers or liberals. We must believe in a God, because society tells us we must. And above all, we must believe that every American is well above average.

Look, if you agree in whole to maintaining the social illusions foisted on all of us I mentioned, then move along. There's nothing for you in this post.

To living up to all of these expectations, I say, "Bullshit". You don't need to agree with all of these things, but if you agree with the bullshit part to any of them, then great. Sit back and have a good read.

I call upon all persons with a functioning brain and critical thinking skills to denounce these social expectations vocally, loudly and frequently. Come out of the social expectation denouncer closet and defy convention by actually telling the TRUTH about the way you feel.

Hey, if you want to believe in invisible sky friends, great. Go for it. But if you don't, yet think you have to give lip service to those who do, screw them. It's THEIR delusion. Not yours. If you don't like it, say so. You can be polite about it if you want - kind of like dealing with a person who has a mental handicap or, as I like to call it, suffers from a highly contagious psychosis. But usually, with these folks, it's best to be impolite. They don't react well to that. Or claim you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, live in the embrace of his Noodley Appendages and consider Olive Garden to be a place of worship. They don't know how to handle that.

Either way, if you've reached the age of reason and don't like people pushing this stuff on you, then tell them. Don't play along. Take a stand. Be firm. It's YOUR decision, after all, and they should respect it.

How about politics? Tired of letting the right-wing tell you that you're a liberal because there's something about them you object to? Or are you tired of the liberals thinking you're a right-wing radical because you agree with something the right-wing does? Seriously this is a problem in our country. We need to know you're out there, because the far right thinks you're a leftie and the left thinks you're a terrorist. The other moderates out there have no idea you exist - that is we know there are others but we don't know who they are or how many of us there are.

If we show some backbone to the lefties and the righties in our political discussions, taking a stand on the issues we believe in and refusing to accept their labels because neither fit, we could actually effect some kind of change on the political landscape by creating our own representatives.

I, for one, as I'm sure any regular reader of my blog knows, would actually love to be politically represented in whole rather than constantly being forced to hold my nose to select the candidate that stank the least every time I went to vote. I imagine there are a hell of a lot of you out there who feel the same way.

SPEAK UP! We all need to know who to count as like-minded individuals among us.

Speaking of politics, how about the current selection of candidates? What, Lloyd and Harry (From Dumb and Dumber) weren't available? So they got Crazy, Dopy, Horny, Shooter, Scooter, Anonymous and Anti-Christ? Sounds like some psycho's idea of the seven dwarfs. Only in this case, they aren't dwarfs in stature, but in mental ability.

Is stupidity contagious? I'm beginning to think so - especially among the right-wing. But while these candidates are all losers in the critical thinking skills department, they're not the only people out there who you think got viciously and repeatedly assaulted by a stupid stick. It's OK to tell someone they are dumb. It's best to point out why. But you don't have to be polite to these people. Society tells you to be polite to them, but WHY? They're lowering the average. Yes, they make you look like a freaking genius by comparison (which, In fairness, is probably one reason to be polite to them) but you don't need to be polite to anyone in an elected position if they are fundamentally stupid. They're your employee, after all. You're the public and they're the public servant. It's a good idea to remind them who they work for, once in a while. And we want our servants to be bright enough to at least pound sand properly.

But random acts of stupidity abound and you don't need to stay quiet about them. Point them out. Maybe, if we all did that often enough, people would get a clue.

Finally, we come to my least favorite of all of today's social expectations: Child worship.

I do not like children. I especially don't like other people's children (given I have no children, and never will, this may be a redundancy in statements). And I loathe and despise the children of other people who expect me to respect, like, watch out for or even remotely care about THEIR child.

We live in a society where everyone expects other people to respect their uterine discharges when they pop out a kid as if that child was the most special thing on the face of the planet. I have news for them: They aren't special. They are pathetically common and the world respects them about as much as mother nature respects the sanctity of life. Which is to say not at all.

Be proud of your kid. That's fine. But don't expect me to cut your brat a break because they're kids. Don't expect me to cater to your delusion that I like to have a kid screaming in my ear, pulling on my hat or flying by like a midget banshee in a restaurant. Don't ever think I like to have your child playing out in front of MY house or that I will do anything in the event of an "emergency". YOUR kid, YOUR responsibility so keep it on YOUR property.

My respect for kids is when they are well mannered, polite and respectful - you know, like people are SUPPOSED to be more often than not. My respect for their parents goes up exponentially when their kids are well mannered, polite and respectful. But since I've encountered exactly three children who fit that description in my life, I'd say the rest of the world's parents, and kids, have a hell of a lot of catching up to do.

If you agree with any part of that anti-kid rant, great, SPEAK UP about it. Kids are not as special as their parents think and I'm tired of their parents - and society as a whole - telling me to think they are. We need to stop being complacent and start being vocal. Have designated "Adults only" theaters, restaurants and residential units for those of us who don't want to have anything to do with kids or their pretentiously deluded parents.

There are a lot of closets from which we as a people need to emerge. Politeness is generally good, but complacency isn't. The bottom line is that we are being expected to accept unreasonable behavior. That's where the division between reason and unreasonable complacency lies. We need to tell people when they've crossed the lines of reasonable behavior so they stop doing it. If we don't tell them, they'll keep doing it.

And it seems to me the one thing this world could use more of is reasonable behavior.

It's High Time to Bring Back the Shed

I was reading an article in the local paper about two 16 year old boys who have been bound over for trial for abducting, beating and raping two teenaged girls. I couldn't help but think about how much we as a society spend on feeding, clothing and housing these wastes of existence and wondered why people keep doing this stuff.

Then it dawned on me: People are, of course, animals. Hell, we've only had about 10,000 years of domestication. Dogs have been human companions for at least 25,000 years and they still attack and kill their owners at times and they're not nearly as smart as we are. (Then again, if you think about it, they get free food and shelter for the cost of a little stick chasing. Not bad for "unintelligent animals". But I digress...)

The point is, we need something much more effective than housing criminals. Prisons are just breeding grounds for creating more capable felons. Recidivism (that's being arrested again after being released from prison) in the U.S. runs between 60 and 80%. Obviously, as a deterrence to crime, prison holds no fear for anyone.

So my proposal in my more lucid moments is to bring back the Shed.

Way back in my youth, we talked in hushed and frightful tones about being taken "behind the shed". This was always where punishment was meted out by a wide, leather belt to the behind for a number of strokes in proportion to the severity of the transgression. It was something to avoid. It was something to fear.

That kind of fear is what needs to be instilled in the minds of the public who decide to transgress the laws of the land. Prison is uncomfortable but it's not designed to be PAINFUL. The human animal is designed to avoid pain. Pain HURTS. It's nature's way of saying "Don't do this!". It's basic and elementary. It impacts the animal in everyone and every living thing. Inflict pain and that memory lingers.

Of course, beating a dog has to be done quickly because the lesson - why they're getting beaten - doesn't correlate well if there's been a long period of time between the transgression and the punishment unless the punishment is meted out with a reminder of what not to do (Like rubbing the dog's nose in the mess it made). With people, it's a little different, to some extent. The human animal is able to know why it's being punished even years after the fact, but sometimes that's not quite enough.

So let's bring back the shed, only put it on television and make it a public affair. Sell tickets, or even have free admission to the viewing public. I'd make it mandatory viewing at least once a year if someone wants to drive or register to vote. (I'm pretty sure the registering to vote thing would be problematic, but you could add it as a requirement for driving, vehicle registration or any other thing that's done annually.) This way EVERYONE sees it. EVERYONE knows what will happen when you transgress society: You're taken "behind the shed" by Uncle Sam, who beats the living crap out of you, and maybe beats some sense INTO you.

But why make Uncle Sam the heavy in this? Yes, these people transgress the laws of society, so society can exact its punishment, but these transgressions, more often than not, involve real, actual people. Certainly those two teenaged girls are real people deserving of their full share of justice - if not retribution.

So my proposal is further modified to include a mandatory minimum number of lashes, with the victim(s) of the convicted criminal meting out their measure until they feel justice has been served.

Now, to keep this from turning into a bloodbath, there ARE some limits to this (I'm not THAT much of an animal... Well, yes I am, but I like to be somewhat reasonable about it.). First of all, we create a lashing machine that can be calibrated to the physiology of the criminal so that regardless of how many times they're lashed, no permanent damage (maybe just scarring) will ever result. Limits would be placed on it to keep anyone from actually dying.

Another limit would be to keep the lashes to once every five seconds, instead of incessantly beating them over and over without a pause.

But the goal of the machine would be to inflict a measured and rational amount of pain on the criminal per stroke.

Finally, to make this "humane", we can establish a metric whereby someone beaten receives a maximum amount of pain with a minimum amount of lasting physical damage.

The simple fact is that humans require a great deal of incentive to change their ways. We are creatures of habit and if we get into the habit of being utter asses, then we will be asses until we come up with good reasons not to be like that. Pain is how creatures big and small avoid doing things that inflict that pain. People aren't terribly bright most of the time, but USUALLY they can figure out that if X behavior results in Y pain, they will stop doing X behavior.

So I say bring back the Shed. Bring back that terrifying time behind the shed for everyone convicted of a crime regardless of age. They WILL LEARN not to do that again. It's an instinctive act to avoid pain. If our penal system was as catering to our instincts as it is to our sensibilities, we'd never, ever have another repeat offender.