Jeepers Creepers, Them Creeping Jeepers...

(Disclaimer: I am not opposed to jeeps. I am opposed to idiots who operate them - and any other vehicle - this way.)

You're sitting at a red light. The light had been red for quite some time. Suddenly, one or two people start to move and you think, “Ah, the light changed.” Then they all stop. Repeatedly. The light's still red. They're not moving, they're “creeping”.

The phenomenon of people doing this creepy thing has been around slightly less time that breaks on cars. After all, the breaks had to be invented and installed first in order for people to abuse them like this at traffic lights. And abuse it is, though from a mechanical point of view it's small. But it IS a cumulative effect. A person's breaks only have so many uses, so much lining, so thick of a disc. Wear that off by friction and you need to replace your breaks or risk not having them when you really, honestly, and truly NEED to have them.

Creeping up on a traffic light after you've already stopped for it once isn't one of those times.

So exactly why do people do this?

From a logic point of view, it makes no sense. The light's red. You've stopped. Stopping for red lights (at least for me) is hardly one of my favorite life experiences. Quite the opposite. I've damned several to stop light hell in my time behind the wheel for having the gall to make me stop because they saw me coming and hate me. It's not an experience I like to repeat and, indeed, may even go out of my way to avoid it at times by taking alternate routes that don't involve stupidly long traffic lights.

But it would appear, logically, that some people LOVE to stop at stop lights. They love it so much, they want to do it over and over and over again - for the SAME LIGHT! I have witnessed individual drivers creeping, then stopping, then creeping then stopping no less than six times at one stop light. They must have had an orgasm of stopping delight going on in there (Or, possibly, what was going on was that the breaks were going on their car).

Others, perhaps motivated by a loathing for the red-eyed monsters on par with my own, want to intimidate the light into changing faster by driver displays of aggression and prowess. They seem to be telling the light that they're ready to go. They seem to be trying to embarrass the light by telling it that it forgot that they were there and they're getting impatient about being forgotten. Another possibility is pure intimidation, thinking that if they start to move forward, the light will think they're going to run it and will change faster to keep anyone from getting hurt.

As if that's going to work.

Maybe they want a running start at the light so they don't have to accelerate as much.

But the really ironic thing is that almost without exception, the creepers are THE LAST PEOPLE TO ACTUALLY MOVE once the light changes to green. It's like the changing of the light startled them into inaction for a second or two. Then they move off with the other traffic and repeat the same thing a block later at the next light.

The epitome of stupid creepers are those who are creeping up on a person who is actually stopped at the light - AND NOT MOVING. Yes, there are these mental midgets who will creep up on the bumper of a person who prudently and reasonably wait for the light to actually change before removing their foot from the break and advancing into the intersection. These people are certainly more intimidated by the creepers than the red light is, but unlike the red light, they're not going to make traffic go any faster. In fact, I've often wondered just where people think they're going when they start to creep close enough to the bumper in front of them it would take a scanning electron microscope to tell whether there's any separation between them.

Buddy, you ain't going anywhere until that guy in front of you moves, and he ain't gonna go anywhere until the light changes. If you think otherwise, I invite you to try to violate the laws of physics. They don't give out tickets for that, but you do get your name in the paper as the fool of the day.

There are actually several kinds of creepers. The breaks off and the breaks on, the automatics and the manuals and combinations of each. Throw in a hill or two at the light and things can get exciting for those of us who aren't masochists and prefer to stop only ONCE for a red light. Some people have automatic transmissions and an idyl rate so high, their cars move if they don't stand on their breaks. Others rock as they play with their manual transmission. I even saw one creeping by moving up, then rolling back, then moving up then rolling back. This went on for the duration of the light, with the breaks AND the clutch being abused at the same time. But regardless of the technique, the simple fact is that these people are moving in a situation where sitting still is actually the best option for them, and everyone around them.

Now, admittedly, some of these creepers may have a (very slightly) relevant excuse for creeping. I call them “Space Cadets”. These are the drivers who stop with enough space between them and the car in front to park half of the 5th Fleet, including the aircraft carriers. Space cadets simply stop too soon, then spend the rest of the light making up for their complete and total lack of depth perception by creeping up. Some are trying to time it so that they don't have to stop before the light changes.

Again, invariably, the light knows about this tactic and ensures that no matter how slow they creep, they're going to have to stop before it changes to green.

It's a little like a psychotic game of “Mother May I?” Or, perhaps more relevantly, Red Light/Green Light. In both cases, if you don't do what the controller says, you have to start over. But it's not like you're going to get across the intersection faster than anyone else (unless you have a drag racing fetish), and it's dead certain that you won't be ALLOWED to cross that intersection until that light changes to green.

So my advice for the drivers of the world is to wait for the light to change like a rational adult then proceed in a safe manner when it does and stop being creepy space cadets creeps.