A Time-Out for Time-Outs

As usual, this idea is controversial, especially if you believe in the New Age idea of molly-coddling children. If you have a mass-produced bumper sticker on the back of your car that lauds your child's completely irrelevant and minor scholastic achievements, and you read this, you will probably think I'm utterly barbaric. You're probably right, but then, that's the whole reason for this post.

Here's the reason for the post: I DO believe in child abuse.

Let me rephrase that so the politically correct types can stop hyperventilating in preparation for an apoplectic fit of yuppie rage.

I believe that the responsible application of corporal punishment on children for offenses which merit criminal punishment in adults is both a more effective and more suitable deterrent to the possibility of re-offending than the current method of punishment of using "time outs" and the restriction of other privileges.

Lying, cheating, stealing, fighting, public disturbances, talking back; all of these are offenses at some place for an adult for which a civil or criminal penalty is imposed. Most kids these days will get a "time out" for them. Most kids will then re-offend and do the same thing. If, as an adult, you're getting back-talk from a five year old, something is wrong with this picture.

Let's look at child-rearing, then and now, and explode a few myths along the way. This might help put things in proper perspective.

Back when I was growing up (a time somewhat after the last Ice Age, before the Computer Age, when Leave It To Beaver, Gilligan's Island and Star Trek - the one with William Shatner as captain of the Enterprise - weren't in reruns), kids played outside with toys that sparked imagination. The term "helicopter parenting" wouldn't appear for at least four decades and a Bush was household shrubbery. No one talked much about the latest kidnapping, rape and murder of children (though, actually, it happened more often then than now). No one had GPS and cell phones to keep track of their little darlings. School officials were allowed to beat the living crap out of you if you got out of line. (okay, okay, they could spank you - but if you saw my Assistant Principle you knew that if he were to spank you, your odds of survival were the same as those of the proverbial snowball in Hell). While some places had kids acting out, for the most part, schools were gun-free, knife-free and generally well ordered. Crime, for my generation, started a decline. The criminals were people who were either over-the-top abused or were never spanked.

Then we enter into the age of the Time Out.

Now we have children in gangs (lots more gang activity today than back then). We have a new way of teaching everyone that everyone wins in school, when in real life, practically no one wins and no one gets out alive. If someone acts out, they get a "time out" which is a period of not too unpleasant boredom to "think about what they did". What they actually think about is how not to get caught the next time. Corporal punishment was removed from schools and as a result, metal detectors and police were installed in its place. But with the plethora of entertainment devices a child has today, even if they're sent to their rooms, it's not like that's all that much of a punishment. Sitting them in a corner is no more effective than being bored on a Sunday afternoon.

You see, my generation didn't enjoy getting the crap beaten out of us (well, that's how we thought of it at least). We were thinking way too short-term. We felt the pain and thought to ourselves, "Isn't there a better, more enlightened way to direct a child's behavior than by inflicting pain?" We vowed never to beat our kids because we were beaten. But we never really thought about the consequences of our beatings on our behaviors. For the most part, we grew up to be fine examples of modern society. We may have thought of it as having done it in spite of the way punishment was meted out to us. Few ever stopped to consider the probability it was BECAUSE of the punishment meted out to us.

Yes, it was unpleasant, but it was memorable. VERY memorable. And in that is the key to punishment. Is a "time out" memorable? Let's put it this way, if you were ever standing around on a Sunday afternoon, say around three fifteen in the afternoon between games on TV and after mowing the lawn, with nothing to do, you're experiencing the exact same thing as some kid who is sitting in a time-out. I know I can think of a time or two when I was bored, but what kind of an impact does that make on my desire or willingness to break a law (or rule, transgression, etc)?

Pretty much none. It wasn't memorable. It was boring, yes, but it wasn't a trial of any kind. There was no lasting impression made from a time-out.

But a paddling?

Talk to anyone with gray hair. Almost universally, they'll remember being paddled, spanked or in some other way physically touched in order to inflict a mild to moderate amount of pain with no permanent physical harm. And if done right, it will be not only memorable, but effective as well.

This segues nicely into the fact that getting spanked has a right way and a wrong way. The wrong way is to haul off and beat the crap out of a kid the instant the transgression happens. Yes, it's viscerally satisfying on a deep, emotional level to strike at the source of one's irritation, but a civilized society usually refrains from such indulgences. The best way to beat the crap out of a kid so that it is a lesson that is memorable and effective (preferably without requiring a doctor's visit or hospitalization) as opposed to abuse is to be calm, be timely, be consistent, have rules and explain what's happening, when and why.

So, step 1. Rules.

A child can't know when they've broken rules unless they know the rules ahead of time. Ignorance of the rule is no excuse. So a wise parent will have rules and, just as importantly, punishments for breaking those rules. Make sure there's a "when in doubt" rule to cover all bases.

Now that the boundaries are laid, crossing them should always require a parental review. Was it justified? If so, the boundaries have to be moved. If not, it was a violation and punishment is required. That's the consistency part. Look over the transgression. Yes, kids will be kids. I really do get that. But kids need to learn the limits and what better way than to put an electric fence on it - make them stop, look, be very careful if they're going to cross that line and understand that if they screw up, they get zapped. Be consistent in applying the rules and don't be secretive about them.

Next, make punishment a BIG THING. A fast slap on the butt in the marketplace (aside from probably drawing the attention of Child Protection Services) isn't going to leave much of an impression on the child (no pun intended). But if you discover a transgression, treat it as if they're an adult. Depending on the severity of the transgression, place them under "arrest" with restrictions on toys, activities, privileges, etc. Sit them down in a trial. Tell them what they did wrong, why it was wrong, let them argue their case and show them the error of their ways. Then pronounce sentence. Let them think about THAT for a bit. Finally, commence with the bea..., er, spanking, in a calm, measured, dispassionate way. Do not tell them that it hurts you more than it hurts them. They won't believe you. Do not sympathize with them. The lesson won't be learned properly.

When it's over, don't hold grudges.

The point here is that if a punishment isn't memorable, what's to stop a kid from doing it again and again? If there's too much punishment, it becomes difficult for a child to know what's right and wrong. Not every transgression merits a spanking, of course. Every child is different, as well, so one must know whether physical pain, administered in a measured, controlled fashion will be the most effective deterrent to that child's case of bad behavior.

And if you don't have the kind of time to do this, you should give your kids up for adoption. They need parents, not playmates.

Now, as much as I believe in child abuse for kids, I believe even stronger that such punishments should extend to adults. Only with adults instead of safely tucking it away behind prison walls where only whispered stories of various levels of truth leak out from time to time in specials designed to show how awful it is in them, we need to be public, open and visually brutal.

Adults aren't children. They generally don't live to please an authority figure. They have a greater ability to rationalize away criminal behaviors. Adults are capable of a level of brutality far exceeding that of children. Meeting this brutality with a controlled brutality is the only way to mete out a punishment of sufficient intensity to be memorable in such a way that one would NOT wish to experience it again. I think public floggings for relatively minor offenses which would normally merit a jail sentence should be the norm. The number of strokes would depend on the offense. It should be administered by a machine (for the sake of consistency and safety) which is physically constrained from exceeding a safe "per-stroke" level of force. A medic should be on hand to ensure that no permanent damage is done (aside from the potential of scarring unless a scar-free way of flogging someone can be found).

Why flogging? Because it's visual, visceral and brutal. It's MEMORABLE, both for those who undergo it and those who witness it. And it's not an experience one would wish to repeat.

While we're on the subject, I'm NOT an advocate of the Death Penalty. Yes, it gets rid of unwanted vermin, but sometimes they throw out the baby with the trash - innocent people HAVE been executed in the US. That's very bad juju. Instead, I advocate a "Prison TV" channel for people who would otherwise have been executed. Every prison should have their own station, which the viewer can access and control, to watch what happens to a lifer in a prison. No privacy. No escape. Public humiliation. It's been proven that the death penalty isn't a deterrent. But maybe something like this will satisfy society's desire for vengeance.

One thing for sure: It's memorable.

The fact is, the criminals of today's society need a good spanking. If it's memorable enough, painful enough and embarrassing enough, it may have more of an impact than the way we punish criminals today.

Okay, the yuppie, new-age, easily bruised sensibilities people can now go and have some white Zin and tofu cakes and get on with your lives. Keep repeating to yourselves, "It's only a blog... It's only a blog... It's only a blog..."