Why Kids First Isn't The Best Policy

Disclaimer: I don't have kids. I don't like kids. I don't want kids. 'Nough said.

There is a push in the land of America to put all kids "first". Now, in principle, I understand this concept. Raise a child in the best possible environment with all of the love and affection they can stand to make a better human adult. The trouble is, it's bullshit.
More to the point, it's gone way too far. Parents are indulging their little monsters to the point of raising a self-absorbed, pouty, self-indulgent, whiny, little turd for whom the words "discipline" and "responsibility", not to mention "courtesy" and "respect", mean nothing. Failure is always an option in the great competition for status, money, and power we call life, but heaven forbid someones' little angel 'fail' at something for fear of bruising their fragile, little egos. The parents become indignant that their underachieving brat is shown to the world to be, well, an underachieving brat, and storm the bastions of education we call "public school" with a demand that their adorable idiot be allowed to pass.

Life doesn't work that way.

And speaking of public education, let's look at how the concept of "no child left behind" has fucked up the entire U.S. educational system.

Despite the desire on the parts of do-gooders to believe otherwise, children are, indeed, like adults. In other words, you have bright ones and dumb ones. Don't talk to me about their "potential". Everyone "potential" is set in stone the moment they're born. A dumb kid IS going to work retail, at best. (Unless they're born into a family with political connections in which case, they'll be called "Bush" and babysat throughout their careers by older puppet-masters, but I digress...). A smart kid MIGHT work retail. That's about the only sure difference. But in that narrow maze of smart and dumb, there is a wide gap in mental ability - which means the smart ones will do very well in school and the dumb ones can't. So how do you keep from leaving anyone behind? You have to dummy it all down so the dumb ones can keep up.

Looking over at the smart ones while all this dummying down is going on, they're no longer engaged in the lessons. When they're spinning differential equations in their head but the material is still mastering one plus one for the idiots in the classes, they're going to lose interest. And when the smart ones have no chance to out-perform the dumb ones with special rewards for outstanding achievement, their eventual arrival in the land of retail becomes more likely. Positive reinforcement is the best way to teach. But when everyone gets a reward regardless of their level of work in order to not single out the idiots in the class who can't really compete to avoid damaging their sense of self esteem, the whole concept of a reward goes out the window.

And let's not kid ourselves about rewards here. If you take an outstanding student and give them "something" for their achievement, then give "something else" to the other, under-preforming kids, you just undermined that reward for outstanding achievement. It's tainted because it's no longer a unique event. People try to kid themselves that differing the reward has any positive impact on the child. Imagine an Olympics were everyone got medals “just for trying”. It degrades the accomplishments of the winners. That decreases the incentive to “win”.

Everyone can't be winners all the time.

So what happens is that you have a whole generation of people who were raised in an environment where no one was allowed to fail, who are then thrust into the real world where failure is always an option? You get a shit-ton of pathetic whiners. Is it any wonder that the products of this environment enjoy movies and celebrities exhibiting nihilistic, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, pouty natures? (Like Vampires, werewolves and Lindsey Lohan).

The bottom line is that kids need to be shown the consequences of failure at a time when failure doesn't mean putting them on the streets, in a hospital, in rehab or in jail like it does in the real world. Kids need to be shown that making a mistake has consequences - real ones - and to show that failure is one of the best teaching methods to actually learn something of value. Flunk them if they don't do the work. Hold them back in grade level if they aren't applying themselves or lack the mental ability to go on. Don't dummy down the material but brain it up to the highest point that the child can stand. Challenge them to excel and hold them to that expectation. Failure should have consequences worth avoiding, but also should be shown to be an opportunity to learn.

And for heaven's sake, stop giving out awards for finger-painting, citizenship and other BS garbage where everyone is intended to feel good about failing. Failure should hurt. Fail big, it should hurt big. And when you win big, well, in life the fact is, when you win big, the congratulations only last a short time, so teach them to keep reaching for their goals. Winning should be its own reward and the way people are taught should be geared toward that idea.

The idea here is to teach responsibility and discipline. Teach kids how to THINK, not just how to take tests and "not fail". Everyone fails - some more than others and some bigger than others. Someone wins and that win is recognized until someone else wins. Teaching that failure is always an option will help people learn discipline and responsibility. You don't always win with a sense of responsibility and self-discipline, but you are far more likely to fail without them.

It may go against the grain of the do-gooders to teach this to kids, but the truth is, life leaves people behind. Education by idealistic slogan is a failure for both the child and society. LEAVE some behind and let society deal with them. If the ones who are going to get ahead are encouraged to do so, they may actually do something for those left behind. But when those who are better than those who would be left behind are treated the same as those who would be left behind, they lose interest. Mediocrity becomes the new "best". And society suffers all the more for it.

What's worse, kids today (at least those I've encountered all over the country in America), are, by and large, the rudest little shits on the planet. They are self-absorbed, self-entitled, self-indulgent monsters running amok with the parents looking on with apparent delight in their child's inability to get along with anyone else. Apparently, parents today (at least most of them, it seems) believe that being respectful and courteous toward others is some kind of handicap. It's not "being strong and independent" in their eyes.
A strong person doesn't need to prove they're strong and being discourteous, rude, whiny little shits in public only tells me that there is yet another asshole on the freeway, bully in the classroom, back-stabbing fucker at work and a bar-fight to be in the making. It also tells me that the parents should have been "fixed" before they had kids because these asocial creatures, and likely their get, will do little to nothing to contribute to the human race in any way whatsoever.

Wastes of DNA.

Children need discipline. They need structure. They need limits. It's not going to bruise their little egos if you, as a parent, impose a little of each. Just keep in mind the word, "moderation".

Discipline for a child includes two things: Punishment and reward. Punishment MUST be painful, but applied proportionately and not always physically. Rewards should be very small for small things and very large for large things. There can be only a few absolutes. The idea is to teach your child that hard work is most often rewarded and doing bad things is most often punished.

And above all, this has to start EARLY in the child's life. Suddenly being confronted by a mouthy, disrespectful tween isn't an accident. It's negligence on the part of the parent. Being independent doesn't mean being rude or discourteous.

I DO believe in spanking a child, but I don't believe in HITTING one. Spanking is to be reserved for the worst things a child does, and must always be accompanied by other lesser punishments like grounding, denial of access to favored toys, enforced curfews, etc. A spanking is most effective when it is meted out sparingly, preceded by a talk explaining what's coming and why, giving the child time to think about it, then administering the punishment and reinforcing the lesson with another talking to afterward. It is the epitome of punishments, one meant to instill fear of it in the child and is to be used only when all other punishments have failed.

If they still act out, sell them to gypsies or put them in a burlap bag and drown them like kittens. They'll bring you nothing but misery the rest of your life, otherwise.

In all seriousness, kids must have structure and limits, be taught self discipline, respect and manners. They must learn to do this for everyone, and not just a favored few. That means the PARENTS need to do it, too, because nothing fucks up a kid's head like being told one thing by their parents then seeing them do something entirely different.

They resent the hypocrisy, even if they don't know that it's called hypocrisy. If you tell the kid not to lie, never lie to them. If you teach them to keep promises, keep your promises to them (and others, for that matter). YOU set the standard of THEIR behavior, and they will do what you do. If you don't like what you see in your kid, chances are, others don't like what they see in you. If people don't like what they see in you, you can bet your last dollar they hate your kids because they act the same way as you do.

If you have the attitude, "Kids will be kids", you're dead wrong. Kids will be ADULTS, and a hell of a lot sooner than you think. If people are bitching about your little angels, you have a problem and you can see who caused it in the damn mirror.

The purpose of having kids isn't a trophy for you to parade around. It isn't to fulfill some inexplicable need or hole in YOUR life (because 18 years later, that hole is there again when they leave the nest, and you've solved nothing). It isn't an "accomplishment" to be proud of since just about everyone on EARTH does it at some point, many doing it way too often.

The purpose of having kids is to prepare the human race for the next generation. That means teaching them how to get along, cooperate, think, reason, work as an individual and work together. THAT'S how mankind made it as far as we have. And that's the ONLY way mankind will survive our technologically-laced adolescence.
Kids first isn't the best policy because it puts mankind and the planet behind them. Put mankind and the planet first, raise your kids up right to become contributing and welcome members of our society and they will go and do things for which you CAN be justifiably proud.

Santa Isn't Real. Merry F&#k^%g Christmas, Kid.

When I was three, my folks took me to see Santa. They told me he was the real, one-and-only, original Santa (because I asked if he was). When I sat on his lap, I saw a fake beard.

By the time Easter rolled around, all of the childhood lies we tell our kids about the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny (which never really made sense to me why a bunny would run around hiding colored eggs until later on when I realized Christians had stolen most of the pagan festivals for their religious holidays) and so on and so forth had been rationally debunked by my three year-old self. I wasn't that disappointed, do be honest, because the lie hadn't been told often enough. But I did wonder why my parents, who told me to never tell lies and beat me if I did (spanking today is considered beating, right?), would lie to me.

Magical thinking is fine for fantasy and imagination, but it's not so great for a child to be lied to - ESPECIALLY by their parents. Being lied to by your parents undermines parental authority. When is it okay to lie? A child does it most of the time out of fear of punishment for telling the truth. So when will the parents be punished for not telling the truth? The answer is never. When the parents aren't punished for telling lies, it tells the kid that punishment for lying is arbitrary. If some lies are punished and others aren't, it means a kid is more apt to lie in the hope that the telling of the lie won't lead to punishment. Further, the lie is repeated and the older and sadly wiser kid is often told to participate in the lie or get punished for destroying the childhood of others. So when they're told they'll be punished for NOT lying about the existence of non-existent creatures, the message is muddied even more.

But worse than that is the hit to the self esteem of the child. No one likes being the butt of a joke. But being told Santa Claus is real and being misled to believe it is much like a huge practical joke being perpetrated on those least-equipped to discover the truth and who certainly won't be laughing along when they do. That kind of resentment can adversely affect a person in many ways. All for the sake of what? Childhood?

"Sorry, Timmy, the being we told you about and in whom you believed as real for your entire life is, in fact, a myth perpetuated by greedy merchants who want to sell their products so they can make a profit for the year. Welcome to adulthood."

No wonder Lassie kept finding Timmy down a well...

One wonders how many people have trust (and other) issues because their parents - aided and abetted by a mostly willing society - kept them thinking Santa was real for far too long. Now, toss in the rampant consumerism associated with the holiday and you have a recipe for disaster. After all, it's one thing to be told by your parents why you won't be getting the present of your dreams. It's quite another to never know why Santa didn't get you what you wanted. Kids quickly learn that if being good isn't properly rewarded, then there's no real point to it. They grow up to become some pretty obnoxious people.

Another thing to consider, for those of you who are of a religious bend, is to think of the symbology involved here. We have a myriad of God-like symbols out there - most of which involve a white-bearded man. Much like Santa Claus. God separates who's naughty and who's nice. So does Santa Claus. God rewards the good and punishes the bad. And so does the Great Bearded Red One.

The trouble here is that the kid is being told an imaginary creature is real every year. They can even be "seen" (as happened with me) if you go to a mall or department store between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This reenforces the reality of the myth. Television, movies and other media reenforce the myth, bringing in other creatures we're a lot less likely to see in real life like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. They're on television or in songs and such, but they're NOT REAL.

At the same time, we take our kids to Church and tell them the exact same things about God's existence as we do Santa and the Tooth Fairy. We don't see God in real life until we're dead (at least according to your mythology), but like the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, He's portrayed in pictures and even movies (He apparently looks like George Burns or Morgan Freemen today) and like Santa, kids are encouraged to talk to Him.

THEN you come along and tell your kid that Santa (who we can supposedly see in real life) is just a guy dressed up in a fat suit and the Easter Bunny (who we can't ever see in real life) and Tooth Fairy (who we also never see in real life) are lies, too. But after all that you tell your kids they're supposed to keep believing a God whose existence is even harder to prove to them.

And you expect your kids to keep believing in your God?

Let's replay that conversation:

Timmy: "Santa isn't real?
You: "I'm sorry, Timmy, no. He's not."
Timmy: "What about the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy?"
You: "They're not real either. It's all just us parents doing it."
Timmy: "What about God?"
You: "Oh, God's real. I believe it so you have to believe it."
Timmy ( upset and wondering where the closest well to jump in is): "But you said the exact same thing about Santa, and the tooth fairy and they're not real. So God must not be real, either."

Kid logic. This is why Timmy's an atheist today and doesn't send Mother's day or Father's day cards.

Here's a little factoid that may or may not be relevant: Back in the 1800's and early 1900's, Santa Claus was not that big of a deal. The giving of gifts during Christmas (and the need to create a mythological figure to do the delivering of said gifts) wasn't popularized until the late 1800's. (Another minor factoid: The celebration of Christmas itself was banned repeatedly in the United States from time to time in several places for various reasons.) Ever since the early part of the 20th century, when Santa rose as a major mythological figure, memberships in many churches have gone into decline. One could say that the Information Age is most responsible for this decline and they'd probably be right. Yet I can't help but wonder how much of that decline is directly due to lying to children about Santa and other unreal creatures. One can't deny that childhood traumas and resentments carry over into adulthood and if you look at the time-line, it may have had more of an impact than people think it would.

Despite the obvious advantages of kids possibly rejecting invisible sky-friend religions due to the lies told to them about childhood figures, I don't advocate lying to your kids. I understand some reasons to lie - after all, they're young and don't understand some things like finances - but tactful, reasonable honesty is always the best answer. If they ask, tell them the truth. If they're mistaken, correct them. Treat their learning about the world with respect, instead of a wink, a grin and a pleasant lie that will always, eventually, blow up in both of your faces.

Everyone Needs To Come Out Of the Closet

This post is a touch different for me. At least based in the last year's blogs I've done, that is. This post is for everyone out there who keeps their peccadilloes bottled up because they think no one else feels the same.

We, as individuals, have been placed in a position where we feel obligated to uphold social expectations because society tells us to. Society tells us kids are the be-all and end-all of existence. Society tells us we're all either right-wingers or liberals. We must believe in a God, because society tells us we must. And above all, we must believe that every American is well above average.

Look, if you agree in whole to maintaining the social illusions foisted on all of us I mentioned, then move along. There's nothing for you in this post.

To living up to all of these expectations, I say, "Bullshit". You don't need to agree with all of these things, but if you agree with the bullshit part to any of them, then great. Sit back and have a good read.

I call upon all persons with a functioning brain and critical thinking skills to denounce these social expectations vocally, loudly and frequently. Come out of the social expectation denouncer closet and defy convention by actually telling the TRUTH about the way you feel.

Hey, if you want to believe in invisible sky friends, great. Go for it. But if you don't, yet think you have to give lip service to those who do, screw them. It's THEIR delusion. Not yours. If you don't like it, say so. You can be polite about it if you want - kind of like dealing with a person who has a mental handicap or, as I like to call it, suffers from a highly contagious psychosis. But usually, with these folks, it's best to be impolite. They don't react well to that. Or claim you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, live in the embrace of his Noodley Appendages and consider Olive Garden to be a place of worship. They don't know how to handle that.

Either way, if you've reached the age of reason and don't like people pushing this stuff on you, then tell them. Don't play along. Take a stand. Be firm. It's YOUR decision, after all, and they should respect it.

How about politics? Tired of letting the right-wing tell you that you're a liberal because there's something about them you object to? Or are you tired of the liberals thinking you're a right-wing radical because you agree with something the right-wing does? Seriously this is a problem in our country. We need to know you're out there, because the far right thinks you're a leftie and the left thinks you're a terrorist. The other moderates out there have no idea you exist - that is we know there are others but we don't know who they are or how many of us there are.

If we show some backbone to the lefties and the righties in our political discussions, taking a stand on the issues we believe in and refusing to accept their labels because neither fit, we could actually effect some kind of change on the political landscape by creating our own representatives.

I, for one, as I'm sure any regular reader of my blog knows, would actually love to be politically represented in whole rather than constantly being forced to hold my nose to select the candidate that stank the least every time I went to vote. I imagine there are a hell of a lot of you out there who feel the same way.

SPEAK UP! We all need to know who to count as like-minded individuals among us.

Speaking of politics, how about the current selection of candidates? What, Lloyd and Harry (From Dumb and Dumber) weren't available? So they got Crazy, Dopy, Horny, Shooter, Scooter, Anonymous and Anti-Christ? Sounds like some psycho's idea of the seven dwarfs. Only in this case, they aren't dwarfs in stature, but in mental ability.

Is stupidity contagious? I'm beginning to think so - especially among the right-wing. But while these candidates are all losers in the critical thinking skills department, they're not the only people out there who you think got viciously and repeatedly assaulted by a stupid stick. It's OK to tell someone they are dumb. It's best to point out why. But you don't have to be polite to these people. Society tells you to be polite to them, but WHY? They're lowering the average. Yes, they make you look like a freaking genius by comparison (which, In fairness, is probably one reason to be polite to them) but you don't need to be polite to anyone in an elected position if they are fundamentally stupid. They're your employee, after all. You're the public and they're the public servant. It's a good idea to remind them who they work for, once in a while. And we want our servants to be bright enough to at least pound sand properly.

But random acts of stupidity abound and you don't need to stay quiet about them. Point them out. Maybe, if we all did that often enough, people would get a clue.

Finally, we come to my least favorite of all of today's social expectations: Child worship.

I do not like children. I especially don't like other people's children (given I have no children, and never will, this may be a redundancy in statements). And I loathe and despise the children of other people who expect me to respect, like, watch out for or even remotely care about THEIR child.

We live in a society where everyone expects other people to respect their uterine discharges when they pop out a kid as if that child was the most special thing on the face of the planet. I have news for them: They aren't special. They are pathetically common and the world respects them about as much as mother nature respects the sanctity of life. Which is to say not at all.

Be proud of your kid. That's fine. But don't expect me to cut your brat a break because they're kids. Don't expect me to cater to your delusion that I like to have a kid screaming in my ear, pulling on my hat or flying by like a midget banshee in a restaurant. Don't ever think I like to have your child playing out in front of MY house or that I will do anything in the event of an "emergency". YOUR kid, YOUR responsibility so keep it on YOUR property.

My respect for kids is when they are well mannered, polite and respectful - you know, like people are SUPPOSED to be more often than not. My respect for their parents goes up exponentially when their kids are well mannered, polite and respectful. But since I've encountered exactly three children who fit that description in my life, I'd say the rest of the world's parents, and kids, have a hell of a lot of catching up to do.

If you agree with any part of that anti-kid rant, great, SPEAK UP about it. Kids are not as special as their parents think and I'm tired of their parents - and society as a whole - telling me to think they are. We need to stop being complacent and start being vocal. Have designated "Adults only" theaters, restaurants and residential units for those of us who don't want to have anything to do with kids or their pretentiously deluded parents.

There are a lot of closets from which we as a people need to emerge. Politeness is generally good, but complacency isn't. The bottom line is that we are being expected to accept unreasonable behavior. That's where the division between reason and unreasonable complacency lies. We need to tell people when they've crossed the lines of reasonable behavior so they stop doing it. If we don't tell them, they'll keep doing it.

And it seems to me the one thing this world could use more of is reasonable behavior.